How To Tell If Your Spouse Is Cheating

How To Tell If Your Spouse Is Cheating by Joseph Ryan, Private Investigator 

Cheating spouses provide much of the work and income of most private investigators, and every PI has developed his list of "tell tale signs of a cheating spouse." Here's a list derived from articles by private detectives Bob Brown and Edmund J. Pankau, and female private detective Victoria Frelow of Scotland Yard Investigations (no, it's not that Scotland Yard).
Note that though I've phrased these points in terms of the husband as the cheater, most also apply when it's the wife who's cheating.
From Bob Brown --
- At the beginning of an affair, the husband may actually be more affectionate than usual due to guilt feelings.
- Later, after the affair has been going on awhile, he often starts finding fault with the wife as a defensive mechanism (i.e., to justify the affair in his mind).
- Cheating husbands often lose interest in domestic activities, such as spending time with the kids, fixing up the house, lawn care, etc.
- Cheating husbands may have a change in sexuality (i.e., more sex, less sex) as well as unexplained sexual requests.
- The cheater's relationship with his family will almost always change, that is, he will tend to become more distant, cold, or fault-finding (i.e., he starts to blame the family, especially the wife, for his behavior).
- Financial changes may become noticeable. The wife may notice unexplained credit card charges or withdrawals from the family's checking account.
- Grooming habits change. A cheating husband may buy a new wardrobe or a lot of new clothes, or may just suddenly start to become more attentive to his personal appearance. The wife may notice frequent bathing, more careful grooming, a new cologne, a new exercise program, etc.
- Physical clues to the affair may start appearing, such as lipstick on shirt collars, perfume odors on shirts or jackets, secretion stains on underwear. Or the wife may discover pieces of paper with notes or phone numbers, unexplained match books, receipts, condoms, etc.
- The husband's driving pattern may change. The wife may find the car needs gas more often than before or she may monitor the car's odometer and find the husband is putting a lot of unexplained miles on the car. Brown recommends that suspicious wives keep track of the mileage on their husband's car and even monitor the time they leave for work and the time they come home. "Keep a calendar and note the times," he says. "This should help establish a pattern. If your mate claims to be working late, check paycheck stubs to verify this overtime."
- On occasion, the wife may notice her husband whispering into the phone. He may look alarmed when he sees her observing him and may hang up suddenly. There may be abrupt hang ups when she answers the phone herself. (Want to know who called? If you have touch tone dialing in most parts of the U.S. you can dial *69 to get the number.) (1471 in the UK- Editor)
- The wife may find unexplained, repetitive charges on her husband's mobile phone bill. Often these will be calls her husband made right after leaving home in the morning and right before coming home in the evening. According to Brown and most other PI's, the mobile telephone bill is one of the best ways to catch a cheating husband. Try calling your husband's cell phone company to get additional details about mysterious calls. The reason is that the bill for mobile services lists every single call made (unlike a bill for conventional phone services, which list only long distance charges). Thus, if you suspect your husband is cheating, and he doesn't have a mobile phone, it wouldn't be a bad idea to buy him one.
- Brown comments that "Female cheaters are more discreet in the selection of a lover. This is most likely because of their concern about sexually transmitted diseases. Most females are looking for a longer lasting relationship than a `one night stand.' In past years men were the aggressors; in society today, with the increase of women in the work force, women have become equally aggressive." He also mentions that "When a female is having an affair she tends to have more of a `glow' about her." (Presumably, when a guy is having an affair, he doesn't have the glow.)
From Ed Pankau --
The following are possible indications of a cheating husband, says Ed Pankau:
- Hair gets longer
- Clothes get flashier
- Changes cologne
- Boxer shorts become bikini underwear
- Joins a health club
- Starts a diet
Watch for any changes in his "pattern" of living, says Pankau; this can alert you to the fact that a new partner or relationship has entered his life. Among the specific changes to watch for --
1. He changes cologne, clothes, or switches from boxer shorts to bikini underwear.
2. His daily travel (driving) pattern changes
3. He becomes hard to reach at the office or on the road and starts coming home at unusual times
4. His spending patterns change; you find unexplained charges on credit card bills or phone bills (especially mobile phone bills).
If you become aware your husband is cheating you should consider following up with targeted surveillance during unaccountable times, advises Pankau. "Through the conduct of thousands of divorce cases, I have found three main areas of investigation common to these matters: background, financial, and child custody investigations," he says. "Each of these investigations has a specific goal and requires the proof of different facts."
From Victoria Frelow --
"There are several ways to recognize and catch a disloyal partner," says Frelow. "It is usually discovered with a sudden change in behavior. For example, your partner wants to go places alone, or he or she doesn't show any true affection or have a sexual appetite. Your partner stays out late with unexpected meetings, or receives pages in the middle of the night. The home is inundated with strange phone calls coupled with whispered conversations, or your partner suddenly panics and hangs up the phone when you enter the room.
"Also be aware of any close platonic relationships. Most friends will not approve of the cheater's ways but will remain very dependable. Some friends will actually help the cheater get out of the home and will often provide an iron-clad alibi for the cheater. Don't get upset or blame the friend for his/her part in the plan. You must understand although it is difficult, that the cheater's buddy will assist the cheater out of loyalty. This emotion usually stems from a long lasting or childhood friendship...
"What can we do to catch cheating spouses? First of all, the cheater must not know that you suspect him/her. Although it is difficult, you must still treat the cheater the same way as you did prior to suspecting him/her of cheating. Give the cheater plenty of room to hang himself/herself, don't try to interfere with the cheating behavior. If you suspect the cheater is actually cheating at home while you're away, make false plans to be away one weekend and stay at a local hotel. Park down the street from your residence, then watch and wait. But before you try some of these suggestions, make sure you are willing to accept the consequences without violence. Have a plan as to what you intend to do if your suspicions are indeed confirmed."
Frelow is very emphatic about the need to avoid violence in these situations at all costs.
"I cannot emphasize enough the importance of not resorting to physical violence," she says. "You run the possibility of having criminal charges filed against you, an arrest record, possible jail time, as well as a fine, which will only increase your pain. IT ISN'T WORTH IT!"
Joseph Ryan is a private investigator and director of Washington Research Associates in Denver, Colorado. This article is excerpted from his recent book, "Check Him Out! The American Woman's Guide to Background Investigations." To learn more about the book, visit http://www.check-him-out.com

cheating husband at workplace

Infidelity at the Office / Workplace

According to all the latest statistics, the workplace has become the #1 place for married people who engage in infidelity to meet the other person.



As women make advances everywhere in society, the old cliché about the boss and the young secretary carrying on an affair has been overshadowed by an increase in the number of men and women who work together as equals becoming romantically involved. The old separation of the sexes has passed and old boundaries to interaction have been replaced by no boundaries. Hearing about the “guys from work” or the “girls at the office” has transformed in the “gang at work”.



As we all know, people begin to get to know one another well when working together. The coed workplace offers lots of interaction, team work, travel, projects and longer work hours, all of which lead to members of the opposite sex who share many common attributes growing close. Lets face it, they share the same boss, same work stresses, same lunch hour, etc.



The unavoidable closeness, commonalities in life and the amount of time together can lead to friendship. They end up spending a great deal of time, on occasion more time than they spend at home, with this new “friend” so the friendship can become very deep. These friendships can quickly lead to strong emotional attachments. Strong emotional attachments with the opposite sex can often lead to romance. The most noticeable theme is that they work together, grow to understand one another and “relate” better to this co-worker than they do to their spouse. At home they hear about bills, problems, chores, etc. The co-worker friend offers someone who relates to talk with, someone who empathizes with them and does not bring any of the stress that home often has, making them all the more attractive.



What is most noticeable is the common idea shared by many cheaters that they are an exception. They do not like the thought of infidelity, cheating or hurting their spouse and family. They relate the idea of infidelity to someone who has a cheap affair for the sex, while they are truly convinced that they are not part of anything like that. Instead they view the affair as unwittingly falling into an romantic situation. They began by making a strong friendship, something viewed as being very positive, which lead to the emotional involvement.



For those cheaters who don’t view their current relationship as being inappropriate, they too have a common theme: The friendship slowly turned into more and often they do not realize how far things have gone until sex came into play. This group truly believes that this just fell in their laps and cannot explain how it came about. They genuinely fail to realize how emotionally attached they are to the other person. They also are quick to point out how many others are involved in these workplace relationships and note that society has come to accept these things as being everyday occurrences.



This does not mean that the thrill seeking types who do not hold their relationships as sacred have disappeared. They are still just a prevalent as ever, but the new workplace infidelity has taken over an entirely new sector of the population and shows no signs of stopping.

Why do we love colours?

Art on Coffee

Lucifer

Lucifer is a fallen angel who was the head of the ministry of music in Heaven when he was in heaven. It has been said of him he was the most beautiful of ALL angels and he was the director of the flow of music there (Praise and Worship).

Of course, now he no longer is….. but there are several scriptural references throughout the bible the denote his previous authority over music when he was in heaven. One is Isa.14:11 – “Thy pomp is brought down to the grave, the noise of thy viols: the worm is spread under thee, and the worms cover thee.”

This verse right here is speaking of his fall from heaven, and how all of the glory he had, and the gifts he had fell with him. The noise of thy viols indicates the stringed instruments he had charge over. But yes, actually throughout the bible in passages in the books of Ezekiel, Job, Isaiah, even Psalms upon speaking of his past life…it tells us he was the minister of music there. Of course he no longer is now though.

Lucifer means morning star.

Job 38:7 – When the morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy

Lucifer was basically a walking talking musical instrument.

Ezekiel 28:13 - Thou hast been in Eden the garden of God; every precious stone was thy covering, the sardius, topaz, and the diamond, the beryl, the onyx, and the jasper, the sapphire, the emerald, and the carbuncle, and gold: THE WORKMANSHIP OF THY TIMBRELS AND OF THY PIPES WAS PREPARED IN THE DAY THAT THOU WAST CREATED.

14 Thou art the anointed cherub that covereth; and I have set thee so: thou wast upon the holy mountain of God; thou hast walked up and down in the midst of the stones of fire.

15 Thou wast perfect in thy ways from the day that thou wast created, till iniquity was found in thee.

16 By the multitude of thy merchandise they have filled the midst of thee with violence, and thou hast sinned: therefore I will cast thee as profane out of the mountain of God: and I will destroy thee, O covering CHERUB, from the midst of the stones of fire.

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Managing without managers!

Two decades ago, Ricardo Semler, a 24-year-old graduate from Harvard Business School, embraced an egalitarian approach to business management and transformed an ailing company into a flourishing one. When Ricardo took over the realms of Semler and Company, a Brazilian manufacturing business from his father, the country’s economy was going through a recession and had hit the company’s sales particularly hard. The company was in mayhem and on the brink of bankruptcy. Ricardo had never agreed with the autocratic management style in which his father had always believed. So he decided to change things a bit. On the very first day after he took over, he fired two-thirds of the top management. Next he rechristened the company to call it “Semco.” He then began mapping fresh strategies for the company to bring it back in form.
In spite of these changes, the company’s performance kept dwindling. Attempts such as brutal cost-cutting too did not salvage the situation. Finally, after experiencing severe stress for several months, Ricardo decided to drastically change his lifestyle along with that of his employees. The first thing he did was to eliminate needless layers of hierarchy; he trimmed down the hierarchy from twelve levels down to three levels. Today, a front-line lathe operator is only one layer away from the general manager of his division.
Next, he began consulting his workforce for all major decisions. Soon his company started showing signs of recovery and it became clear to him that the only way to drive his company to growth and success is by involving all his employees. He made up his mind to embrace what he calls “participatory management,” which essentially meant empowering employees and encouraging them to participate in running the business. His decision paid off, and handsomely at that.
In only a decade and a half, Semco grew from a five million dollar company with 100 employees, to a 220 million dollar company with 3,000 employees. And these employees are a highly motivated, self-driven and quality conscious lot. The management and workers are so empathetic towards each other and their communication so open that no union is required. Each worker is fully aware of his role in the organisation and is completely committed to company goals. And employee turnover is tending to zero. What brought such a change, you might wonder?
Utopian Workplace
Imagine working for a company where you decide your salary, set your sales and productivity targets, where you review your boss’s performance, where you could walk in at any time, where there is no dress code, where it is mandatory to take a vacation, where everyone knows what everyone else earns, and some workers can earn more than their boss. For most of us, this would be the ultimate workplace utopia. For employees of Semco, this is the way of life.
Semco, one may say, is the ultimate democratic organisation. Semco’s standard policy is no policy – instead of corporate governance, it advocates self-governance. All employees are treated like mature adults. Workers set their own production quotas as well as their own wages. Workers have access to all corporate records, and are taught to read financial reports. Profit-sharing is democratic too – profits shared are negotiated with workers, who then decide how to split the money.
Before people are hired for or promoted to leadership positions, they are interviewed and approved by everyone who must work for them. Every six months, managers are reviewed by workers and results are posted for everyone to see. Not only that – bosses with poor evaluations are actually fired! Each worker votes on major decisions, such as buying another company or moving a factory. Workers are responsible for their own quality control, eliminating the quality control department.
Because a large proportion of what all employees earn is a factor of the firm’s profits, employees tend not to abuse their freedom – they seem to know that if they do, the loss is theirs. Today Semco is reaping rich dividends in return for employee empowerment. The extraordinary manner in which the organisation is managed (or not managed), has earned Semco the distinct reputation of being the world’s most unusual workplace. Plus, it is one of the most sought after employers in the world and has steadily climbed to becoming one of the top five companies in its industry.